Congratulations, MATTT NEUMNA, you have already won one of the following prizes:
Note: To claim your prize you must complete a brief tour of RANCHO CIÉNEGA and attend a short lecture about this exciting new residential community located just two hours from downtown Los Angeles. Some restrictions apply.*
* Must be 18 years of age or older. Must be a full time resident of California. Must complete tour and attend entire lecture in order to claim prize. Employees of Rancho Properties, Inc., or The Rancho Ciénega Company, Inc., or Ciénega Postal Promotions, Inc., or Rancho Ciénega Land and Mail Promotions, Inc., or their subsidiaries, or their families, or their subsidiaries' families, are not eligible. The estimate of "just two hours from downtown Los Angeles" refers to the time it takes a high-speed bullet train to make the trip were such a train in existence and were it travelling in a perfectly straight line at a speed of two hundred miles per hour. No exchanges of prizes for their cash equivalent. In the event your prize is out of stock or unavailable, a prize of equivalent value will be awarded. No exchanges of prizes "of equivalent value" for their cash equivalent. The promoters will issue no contest odds unless required to do so by law. Odds of winning: Prize #1, 1 in 17,101,898,000; Prize #2, 1 in 797,091,448; Prize #3, 1 in 250,000; Prize #4, 1 in 100,000; Prize #5, 1 in 1. Some assembly of the Deluxe Home Exercycle required. The promoters are not responsible for personal injury resulting from assembling the Deluxe Home Exercycle. The promoters reserve the right to refuse admittance to anyone, and are not responsible for personal injury resulting from a prospective buyer's refusal to comply with this rule. The promoters reserve the right to permit Larry, as well as Buddy and Louie, to jump in and help out if the prospective buyer puts up much of a fight. WARNING: Due to existing geological conditions, a large portion of Rancho Ciénega is situated on a mudhole, or ciénega. Look it up. NOTE: The previous warning frees the promoters of any liability should a prospective buyer disappear into the mudhole, or ciénega. The promoters will at no time allow prospective buyers to see the prizes. Employees of the above companies and their families are not allowed to see the prizes. Even Larry can't see the prizes. NOTE: The use of deprivation therapy, psychodrama, and reward and punishment type "games" during the lecture should not be viewed as an endorsement of these techniques. WARNING: A small amount of phenobarbital, a mild sedative, will be administered to prospective buyers upon commencement of the lecture. NOTE: Low nightly rates are available at Rancho Ciénega, with the option to buy. WARNING: The Attorney General of the State of California is asking consumers to be wary of "bait-and-switch" tactics as well as other abuses by operators of through-the-mail real estate promotions. NOTE: The former promoters of Rancho Ciénega are hereby notifying all prospective buyers of their intention to file, in full compliance with the laws of the State of Arizona, as a corporation under the name Rancho Desierto Estates, Ltd., the sole agent for Rancho Desierto, the exciting new residential community located just two hours from downtown Phoenix. Some restrictions apply. Must be 14 years of age or older. Must be at least visiting Arizona. Employees of Rancho Desierto Estates, Ltd., or Desierto Holdings, Inc., or Desierto Postal Promotions, Inc., or Rancho Desierto Land and Mail Promotions, Inc., or their families, or their friends, or their friends' families, are all eligible. In accordance with the laws of the State of Arizona, the promoters of Rancho Desierto do not have to disclose contest odds, or issue any health warnings, or reveal any changes in development plans, or even answer for the behavior of some of their employees. WARNING: The laws of the State of Arizona require real estate developers to at least inform the Office of Land Management of any changes in development plans. NOTE: The promoters of Rancho Desierto will at no time forget the Office of Land Management of the Great State of Arizona and the role it played in bringing Rancho Desierto to the desierto and will keep it informed of any changes, especially those relating to the negotiable "finder's fee" traditionally paid to the Office of Land Management. NOTE: The promoters deny having any information regarding the current whereabouts of Lambert "Larry" Kimball, 42, 5'10", 180 lbs., wanted by the State of California for car theft, jewelry theft, and bribery. WARNING: Prospective buyers must furnish identification and submit to a complete body search before being admitted to the property formerly known as Rancho Desierto and are, furthermore, solely responsible for their own well-being inasmuch as the former promoters of said property are no longer involved in its operation. NOTE: The former promoters of Rancho Ciénega and Rancho Desierto, as well as Buddy and Louie, reserve the right to lay low for awhile, with the full intention of promoting exciting new residential communities in the future. In the meantime, MATTT NEUMNA, congratulations!