EXT. RURAL ALABAMA - DAY - A PIE EATING CONTEST

is in progress, a LARGE CROWD shouting encouragement to two able contestants. One, a JUNIOR SAMPLES type, is doing just fine inhaling blueberry pie after blueberry pie, but he's no match for William "The Refrigerator" Perry, aka THE FRIDGE, the behemoth football star.

MED. SHOT - THE FRIDGE

continues to wolf them down. A GOVERNMENT MAN, in sunglasses and a dark blue suit, approaches and gingerly taps him on the elbow, getting his attention.

THE FRIDGE

Hey, what are you doin', man? Can't you see I'm in the middle of a pie eating contest?

GOVERNMENT MAN
It's an important personal letter from the President of the United States. I think you should read it.

THE FRIDGE
The President? Of the United States?
(to O.S.)
Time out!

The Fridge wipes the berries off his face and opens the letter.

INSERT - CLOSE SHOT - THE LETTER

bears the Presidential seal, along with some fresh blueberry stains. We HEAR the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" softly in the b.g.

PRESIDENT'S VOICE (V.O.)

Dear Fridge, I hope I can call you that. I am aware of all the good you've done for your fans, and now, as your Commander-in-Chief I am asking you to do something good for your country.

The Fridge finishes reading the letter as everyone watches.

THE FRIDGE
I think I gotta go.

He gets up, causing the grandstand to flip over and sending pies and dignitaries flying everywhere as we

CUT TO:


EXT. OCEAN - DAY - CRUISE SHIP - ESTABLISHING

a typical cruise ship in the Caribbean.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. CRUISE SHIP - LARRY CSONKA

signs autographs for a long line of DENTISTS anxious to, as the sign says, "Meet Larry Csonka. Autograph - Eight Dollars." Nearby, two nearby tables featuring other celebrity athletes signing autographs for a fee, i.e. ex-boxer JERRY COONEY, ex-swimmer MARK SPITZ, and ex-just-about-everything-else RENE… RICHARDS.

CUT TO:


EXT. OCEAN - DAY - A COAST GUARD CRAFT

approaches the cruise ship.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. CRUISE SHIP - CSONKA

amiably signs one autograph after another. Meanwhile, the government man appears and begins to make his way to the front of the line, flashing his badge for emphasis.

DENTIST #1

Gee, Zonk, that must have been great, winning all your games back in seventy-two. Csonka signs paper and hands it to him.

CSONKA
Sure was. Thanks.

Another dentist appears.

DENTIST #2
Seventeen in a row. Wow. That must have been something.

Csonka signs paper and hands it to him.

CSONKA
Sure was. Thanks.

The next dentist steps up.

DENTIST #3
Hey, Zonk, unbeaten for a whole season, great feeling, eh?

Csonka signs paper and hands it to him.

CSONKA
Sure was. Thanks.

The government man steps up and slips the letter from the President in front of him.

GOVERNMENT MAN
Mr. Csonka?

Csonka, without looking up, signs the letter from the President and hands it back to him.

CSONKA
Sure was. Thanks.

GOVERNMENT MAN
No, Mr. Csonka, I don't want your autograph.

CSONKA
You don't?

GOVERNMENT MAN
No. This is for you.

He hands back the letter and Csonka begins to read it as we

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. CRUISE SHIP - CSONKA AND THE GOVERNMENT MAN

are climbing down a ladder to the waiting Coast Guard craft as we

CUT TO:


EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY - 1ST TEE - FORMER PRESIDENT FORD

is introducing a couple of CEO TYPES to BUBBA SMITH.

FORD

Gentlemen, I invited Bubba Smith here to fill out the foursome. You all know Bubba, don't you? Michigan State. Baltimore Colts. "Police Academy Two."

The CEO types enthusiastically shake hands with Bubba, then step back as Ford tees up, sets himself, and addresses the ball. All watch in respectful silence.

WIDER - THE GOVERNMENT MAN

suddenly appears, distracting Ford as he's swinging and causing him to shank his shot -- which bounces off Bubba's head and flies into the woods. We HEAR a LOUD BOP, but Bubba doesn't notice, causing everyone else to just stare at him for a beat or two.

BUBBA
(looking to fairway)

I see it. Right down the middle. Nice shot.

CUT TO:


EXT. LAS VEGAS - DAY - A VOLKSWAGEN DEALERSHIP

with a big "The Boz VW" sign above it.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. VOLKSWAGEN SHOWROOM - SOME POTENTIAL BUYERS

are looking over the new VW models on display. After a beat, THE BOZ, dressed like a used car salesman in earrings, comes hopping out of one of the small offices in the rear. He moves in on a married couple, RALPH and LOUISE.

THE BOZ
(to couple)

Howdy, folks! Ready to do a little straight shootin' on a VW hatchback, sedan or van?

LOUISE
Hey, you sound just like the commercial.

RALPH
(embarrassed)
That's cause he's The Boz, Louise.

LOUISE
(impressed)
You're The Boz?

THE BOZ
That's right, ma'am. At your service. How'd you folks like to test drive a '95 Jetta?
(to Ralph)
It's got an all new six-cylinder, twenty-four valve, twin-cam engine...
(to Louise)
... and a plush leather interior -- plus -- I'll throw in a vanity mirror in the glove compartment, ma'am, because you'll want to see yourself when you're lookin' as good as you do.

LOUISE
(swooning)
I'll take one.

RALPH
(annoyed)
Louise, you haven't even seen it yet.
(to The Boz)
Say, let me ask you something. You were The Boz, right?

THE BOZ
Still am.

RALPH
Then, I can't figure it out.

THE BOZ
Figure what out?

RALPH
You used to be an irresponsible showboat, only interested in getting a lot of publicity for yourself.

THE BOZ
(proudly)
Yeah, that was me all right.

RALPH
Then, how did you ever get your own Volkswagen dealership?

THE BOZ
(thinks a couple of beats)
Gee, I'm not sure.

The government man makes his appearance, and approaches The Boz.

GOVERNMENT MAN
Excuse me.
(to The Boz)
Here.

He hands him the letter from the President.

RALPH
(trying to see)
What's that? A subpoena?

THE BOZ
(clearly taken aback)
No, it's not.

RALPH leans over, sees the letter, reacts, and looks at The Boz with awe and wonder, as we

CUT TO:


EXT. SUPERMARKET - PARKING LOT - A SMALL CROWD

is gathered around DICK BUTKUS, who is demonstrating an inexpensive barbecue grill.

BUTKUS

Folks, wait'll you taste the hamburgers, the hot dogs, the chicken, the steak that this amazing grill can turn out, and all with only two pieces of newspaper for fuel -- heck, I use the funny pages.

He starts crumpling up two newspaper pages.

MAN IN CROWD
What about the ink in the newsprint? Isn't it poisonous?

Butkus is thrown a little.

BUTKUS
The ink? Gee, I don't think so.

The CROWD groans en masse, and starts to leave.

BUTKUS
(continuing)
But hey -- wait! I use it and I'm all right. Come back! Come back! Ah!

In frustration he throws the crumpled-up newspaper at the parting crowd while the government man steps in and stands next to him.

BUTKUS
(continuing; to government man)
You believe me, buddy, don't you?

GOVERNMENT MAN
I believe you, Mr. Butkus. Here.

He hands the letter to Butkus.

BUTKUS
Thanks.
(to O.S.)
I'll show them.

Without looking at it, he crumples the letter and stuffs it in the barbecue.

GOVERNMENT MAN
But --

Butkus lights it.

BUTKUS
(to government man)
What do you like? Hamburgers or hot dogs?

CUT TO:


EXT. RURAL NEW JERSEY - DAY - AN RV

is tooling along down the highway.

INT. RV - JOHN MADDEN

is reading the letter from the President and shaking his head in awe and wonder as we

DISSOLVE TO: