EXT. RURAL ALABAMA - DAY - A PIE EATING CONTEST
is in progress, a LARGE CROWD shouting encouragement to two able contestants. One, a JUNIOR SAMPLES type, is doing just fine inhaling blueberry pie after blueberry pie, but he's no match for William "The Refrigerator" Perry, aka THE FRIDGE, the behemoth football star.
continues to wolf them down. A GOVERNMENT MAN, in sunglasses and a dark blue suit, approaches and gingerly taps him on the elbow, getting his attention.
GOVERNMENT MAN
THE FRIDGE
The Fridge wipes the berries off his face and opens the letter. INSERT - CLOSE SHOT - THE LETTER
bears the Presidential seal, along with some fresh blueberry stains. We HEAR the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" softly in the b.g.
The Fridge finishes reading the letter as everyone watches. THE FRIDGE
He gets up, causing the grandstand to flip over and sending pies and dignitaries flying everywhere as we
EXT. OCEAN - DAY - CRUISE SHIP - ESTABLISHING
a typical cruise ship in the Caribbean.
INT. CRUISE SHIP - LARRY CSONKA
signs autographs for a long line of DENTISTS anxious to, as the sign says, "Meet Larry Csonka. Autograph - Eight Dollars." Nearby, two nearby tables featuring other celebrity athletes signing autographs for a fee, i.e. ex-boxer JERRY COONEY, ex-swimmer MARK SPITZ, and ex-just-about-everything-else RENEÉ RICHARDS.
EXT. OCEAN - DAY - A COAST GUARD CRAFT
approaches the cruise ship.
INT. CRUISE SHIP - CSONKA
amiably signs one autograph after another. Meanwhile, the government man appears and begins to make his way to the front of the line, flashing his badge for emphasis.
CSONKA
Another dentist appears. DENTIST #2
Csonka signs paper and hands it to him. CSONKA
The next dentist steps up. DENTIST #3
Csonka signs paper and hands it to him. CSONKA
The government man steps up and slips the letter from the President in front of him. GOVERNMENT MAN
Csonka, without looking up, signs the letter from the President and hands it back to him. CSONKA
GOVERNMENT MAN
CSONKA
GOVERNMENT MAN
He hands back the letter and Csonka begins to read it as we
EXT. CRUISE SHIP - CSONKA AND THE GOVERNMENT MAN
are climbing down a ladder to the waiting Coast Guard craft as we
EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY - 1ST TEE - FORMER PRESIDENT FORD
is introducing a couple of CEO TYPES to BUBBA SMITH.
The CEO types enthusiastically shake hands with Bubba, then step back as Ford tees up, sets himself, and addresses the ball. All watch in respectful silence. WIDER - THE GOVERNMENT MAN
suddenly appears, distracting Ford as he's swinging and causing him to shank his shot -- which bounces off Bubba's head and flies into the woods. We HEAR a LOUD BOP, but Bubba doesn't notice, causing everyone else to just stare at him for a beat or two.
EXT. LAS VEGAS - DAY - A VOLKSWAGEN DEALERSHIP
with a big "The Boz VW" sign above it.
INT. VOLKSWAGEN SHOWROOM - SOME POTENTIAL BUYERS
are looking over the new VW models on display. After a beat, THE BOZ, dressed like a used car salesman in earrings, comes hopping out of one of the small offices in the rear. He moves in on a married couple, RALPH and LOUISE.
LOUISE
RALPH (embarrassed)
LOUISE (impressed)
THE BOZ
LOUISE (swooning)
RALPH (annoyed)
THE BOZ
RALPH
THE BOZ
RALPH
THE BOZ (proudly)
RALPH
THE BOZ (thinks a couple of beats)
The government man makes his appearance, and approaches The Boz. GOVERNMENT MAN
He hands him the letter from the President. RALPH (trying to see)
THE BOZ (clearly taken aback)
RALPH leans over, sees the letter, reacts, and looks at The Boz with awe and wonder, as we
EXT. SUPERMARKET - PARKING LOT - A SMALL CROWD
is gathered around DICK BUTKUS, who is demonstrating an inexpensive barbecue grill.
He starts crumpling up two newspaper pages. MAN IN CROWD
Butkus is thrown a little. BUTKUS
The CROWD groans en masse, and starts to leave. BUTKUS (continuing)
In frustration he throws the crumpled-up newspaper at the parting crowd while the government man steps in and stands next to him. BUTKUS (continuing; to government man)
GOVERNMENT MAN
He hands the letter to Butkus. BUTKUS
Without looking at it, he crumples the letter and stuffs it in the barbecue. GOVERNMENT MAN
Butkus lights it. BUTKUS (to government man)
EXT. RURAL NEW JERSEY - DAY - AN RV
is tooling along down the highway.
is reading the letter from the President and shaking his head in awe and wonder as we
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