listens as Einstein is just wrapping up his narrative.


And so, that is the story of how I got here, right up to this moment. Well, not including the cab ride from the train station.

That is absolutely fantastic, Professor Einstein, absolutely fantastic, that's all I can say.

Roosevelt pours himself what looks to be his seventeenth shot of whiskey. He offers some to Einstein, who demurs.

And that is why, Mr. President, it is essential for the United States to begin a secret program to build a working time machine by the year nineteen ninety-five, or else I would never have been able to be here today to tell you to do so.

Yes, yes, of course, but -- come again?

Well, you see, Mr. President, what's happened is our entire concept of time has been turned on its head and now, if we don't do things the way they're supposed to be done in the history books of the future, then the future will have to change, and then we, in the past, will have to change and then, well... here, let me have a shot of that.

Roosevelt grabs the whiskey bottle and pours Einstein a shot as we




John Madden has just renewed his contract with the Fox Television Network for five more years as chief analyst for NFL Football.

Bubba Smith recently signed a two-year deal to do commercials for Swanson Hungry-Man dinners, and has a featured role in "Police Academy XI."

Larry Csonka is Visiting Professor of Quantum Mechanics at The University of Heidelberg.

Brian "The Boz" Bosworth was "Western States Volkswagen Dealer of the Month" for the month of August, 1995.

William "Refrigerator" Perry currently plays defensive tackle for the Philadelphia Eagles.

Dick Butkus can be seen on television, quite often, in the "Amazing Outdoor Barbecue" infomercials.

Albert Einstein died in 1955.

Pat Summerall remains in 1933, where he spends his days in smart cafes along the Left Bank of Paris.

Doctor Efrem Mellinger is the current Executive Director of the Institute for the Advanced Study of Nude Dancing in Newark, New Jersey.

Doctor Traci Brickhouse was featured in the November, 1995 issue of Playboy as part of "The Girls of the Institute for Advanced Study" pictorial.

Doctor Ikiguwi Sashimi is on a lecture tour of 21st century college campuses and will not return until last year.

Doctor Timothy "Timmy" Denton has taken a leave of absence from his Little League team, due to emotional problems.

Professor Egon Von Zell has just published his definitive biography of Albert Einstein, "Albert, We Hardly Knew Ye," soon to be a major motion picture.

Doctor Irving Julius is missing and considered extremely dangerous. If you see him, do not talk to him or contact him or try to get his attention in any way. Call the authorities immediately. Thank you for your cooperation.


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