(You must be at least 18 to read the following article, although... since you've already read the title... what the fuck, continue. Note: since this was written, many of the sites mentioned here have changed, disappeared, or... worse.)

As you may or may not know, the names of "domains" on the Internet -- all those "www.fuckyou.coms" you see all over the place -- are the hottest commodities on this planet. Somebody bought them up early on, often as a speculative gamble, and some of those early gambles have started to pay off* while, in other cases -- well, let's get right to it. There are some basic, very basic, domain names that come to mind, so with the advanced technology available to me at the tip of my right index finger, I set out to do a little research, explore the web, see who's where and what's what.

For starters, because it's the first thing I thought of, www.fuckyou.com doesn't exist. At least not yet. Neither does fuckme.com. Or upyours.com. That was a surprise, considering the large number of doctors specializing in matters of the rectum who must be clamoring to hang their own virtual shingle out on the web.

I tried piss.com. Nothing. Then pissedoff.com. Nope. Then the simple, understated, fuck.com. Nope. What about eatshit.com? No. However, if you go to shit.com you get sent to another site named eyescream.com, which turns out to be an online computer retailer! Nothing at all to do with excrement except for the colloquial come-on, "You want good shit?" (as in, IBM, let's say).

eatme.com is a thriving xxx-rated membership-only adult site, very tastefully done, far more tasteful, really, than eat.com, which has everything to do with eating, as long as it's a Lipton product, like Ragu.

On the flip side, fellatio.com. leads to a site that sells provocative e-mail addresses, like fellatio.com.

Since it's been in the news so much, I gave sodomy.com a try, but no luck.

Okay, let's get serious, I thought, sensing a legitimate sociological purpose all of a sudden.

I tried god.com. There is no god.com. To be fair, there is no nogod.com either. There is an atheist.com, but it's another goddamn e-mail service!!! Go to agnostic.com, the supposed home page of the Agnostic Church ("Donation?" "I'm not sure"), and before you know it you're at lucifer.com, a personal web effort by some self-promoting pseudo-intellect who doesn't need my additional promotion.

Someone owns dotcom.com, though I'm not sure why.

There is no help.com. There is a helpme.com and a helpyourself.com. Do I need to point out the modern metaphor?

gotohell.com politely informed me that it was "under construction" at the time of my visit.

jesus.com is no surprise, as opposed to asswipe.com, another online e-mail service!

christ.com sticks to the script: a devotional site, pretty well-developed, though not as slick as eatme.com.

antichrist.com is the virtual life's work of a Bo or Peep wannabe, and is worth your time if you value the voluminous rantings of an unstable lunatic.

Surprisingly, there's no jesuschrist.com, and no, just for the hell of it, jesushchrist.com. At least at the time of this writing.

Buddha doesn't fare as well. On the web, buddha.com is a URL non grata. And Mohammed? (Or Muhammad, Mohamet, Muhamet) No go. But, try mohammed.com and -- are you sitting down? You get the online e-mail service (asswipe.com) again!!!

By the way, blasphemy.com is another domain owned by the ubiquitous e-mail concern that has apparently tried to corner the market on unusual or titillating web addresses, like paulajones@isawthepresidentsshlong.com, for example.

satan.com is a dead end.

moses.com is, of course, the domain of Tric and Tim Moses, a perky couple whose wedding pictures, and wedding movies, are appealingly offered to the accidental cyber tourist. I didn't have the spare sixteen hours it would take my modem to download the Quicktime video of the Moses' wedding conga line, but maybe in the future, when this damned bandwidth problem is solved.

I tried baal.com, thinking maybe the "false God" of the bible had a following, but, alas, no. (Try it now -- a/o 6/16/99)

Then, for some reason, I tried tiemeup.com, which exists, but the proprietor had nothing to say as of yet, promising something in the future. (This might be one to keep an eye on)

This, naturally, led me to bondage.com, and a pleasant surprise: I'd arrived at "the premier site for bondage and fetish enthusiasts." ("Want to see some bondage, latex, leather, and slaves? You've come to the right place. Want to buy the highest quality bondage and fetish merchandise? It's just a click away.") Not today, I thought, and tried fetish.com, a site loaded with goodies (for the fetishist) lovingly assembled by graphics designers with a slavish devotion to detail. Plus, they sell some terrific humiliation videos. ("Opens with slave Walter spread eagle (sic) on the bed as Mistress Klarins comes in wearing her sexy PVC body suit with the front completely unbuttoned to show off her ample cleavage. She is also wearing black leather knee-high boots, nylons and has her nails painted red. She then proceeds to shackle Walter spread eagle (sic) to the bed with his head at the foot of the bed so she can smoke cigarette after cigarette, blowing smoke in her bound slave's face while crossing and uncrossing her legs. The verbal humiliation is as constant as the smoking as she lights cigarette after cigarette. She then crawls on his chest and leans over to grab his hair as she blows smoke point blank into his mouth, nose and eyes while only inches away from his face. Messy smoky kisses are also planted on him as she threatens to use him as a human ashtray... which is exactly what happens. Next, Mistress Klarins adds face slapping to her repertoire of repetition... especially when he tries to blow out the lighter when she goes to light another cigarette or resist her very smoky kisses.")

Meanwhile, fetishes.com (note the slight difference) is an equally worthy example of why the Supreme Court stays up late studying this site (Thomas and Souter, at least). First of all, it misrepresents itself, inasmuch as two seconds after you hit "Enter" you're transported (trainspotted?) to cafeflesh.com., a site loaded with peep shows and flashy, fleshy displays, but -- fetishes? Not one byte. Sure, it's the Internet's largest hardcore adult club with an abundance of live peep shows, downloadable software, and many different membership plans, but if I'm a fetishist and this is where I'm sent to, well, I'd be pretty damned pissed off.

suck.com is an already established online magazine, and, come to think of it, the word "suck" is an already established slang expression, so who cares. But scumsuck.com is still available.

penis.com is an eye-opener, as it turns out to be another e-mail service offering an address ending in @penis.com, as in big@penis.com. Why didn't I think of that! Meanwhile, at bigpenis.com, a blank page with this one sentence at the top: "Was there something I can do for you?" Wha? What about littlepenis.com, it occurred to me, but it hasn't occurred to anyone else, yet... (Before you bother, cock.com is as advertised)

What about tits.com? Or, even better, bigtits.com? A no brainer, right? Well, I was as surprised as you probably are that these very eminent domains do not exist. Yet.

In case you were wondering, bigass.com is another e-mail address, perhaps aimed at big shots. (billclinton@bigass.com)

And, wouldn't you know it, art.com is an aerospace consulting firm (Advanced Rotorcraft Technology, Inc)

reality.com takes you to a "reality-based" game site. Something ironic there, but it's too profound for me to grasp.

virtualreality.com exists, but is "under construction," building a better virtual world for you and me, I guess.

truth.com is the web site for Truth Hardware (as in ball-peen hammers and Phillips Head screwdrivers).

There is no good.com, but there is an evil.com, and it, of course, is devoted to one individual's ardour for the movie Highlander and all its offshoots, and his hatred of KRON-TV in San Francisco for ruining his cable reception of the NBC affiliate in San Jose. Evil comes in many forms.

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*On June 5, 1998, according to The New York Times, "a new high price for a high-profile Internet address was set... when an address -- business.com -- was sold for $150,000 to an undisclosed company in Texas."

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