Windows 95©: Upgrade Now, or Wait?

In the face of a marketing blitz the likes of which we haven't experienced in a generation, most of us are going through a deep and profound inner debate, asking ourselves the big, big question: should I upgrade to Windows 95©, or wait? Well, you came to the right place.

The short answer is wait—but, be prepared to make the switch eventually because, as sure as there are massive storms on the Sun©, you can depend on the public's cloned-sheep-like acceptance* of anything coming out of the State of Redmond. And don't expect to see a Windows 96©, or 97©, or 98©, because it's becoming too difficult for the evil geniuses to re-invent "the wheel" so often. Changes, corrections, and patches are now added incrementally (and without your knowledge), with the predictable resulting chaos and riots.

Hoping to gain a better understanding of what we're all going to have to live with, I decided to take the Windows 95© beta (it's almost '96 and they still haven't released the official version!) out for a test drive. Keep in mind (no pun intended), I've been a Win88© man for a long time, I'm very comfortable with it, and this upgrade involved a major overhaul of the ol' O.S.—so, naturally, I was anxious.

First Impressions.

My appetite returned, my allergies disappeared (I used to be allergic to polymers—gone!), and I was able to read the floating news display without the special glasses. And, I stopped biting my nails. That's the good news.

The bad news is, I had to re-enter all my personal bookmarks. Everything from how to hold a fork to a thumbnail bio of Charlemagne (not the French King but the talking dog who ran for P.M. of Northern Europe). It took me two weeks—you forget how much you know! Once my memory was restored, and after I apologized to everyone who called during those two weeks, I started testing and evaluating this spanking new Terabit Turbo O.S. of mine.

The Test Drive.

Right away I could tell the difference, especially when it came to sending and receiving psychic p-mail. The images are vivid, not too frightening, and come in instantly. I saw an improvement in my ability to compose and score full-length symphonies while chewing a variety of flavored "brain" gums; and I could now visit the Moon© without actually having to go there (a relief!). And it's definitely a better number cruncher. My kids used to clobber me at Fermat's Last Theorem—not anymore. And, for those who complained, the "All Sour" setting is back after a lengthy absence from the Taste Bud Options menu.


Not so satisfactory, however, is the Id-Voice applet, thrown in as an afterthought as part of the Cerebrum Plus Bundle. Talk about embarrassing. Try having a conversation with someone when all you can do is express your most impulsive, id-driven desires! It took me three days to delete this little software gremlin, and was my face red. (Note: Don't forget, you can always switch to an earlier version of Windows. I have friends who are perfectly happy with Win72©, and one friend who bought an antique external O.S. from the last century for a couple of million Euros. I still swear by Win88©. With Win88© I'm simpler, more intuitive and, with less on my mind, a whole lot faster.) However, you may like all the bells and whistles. Bells and whistles give me a headache.

Windows 95© claims in its advertising (you can hear the current commercial by concentrating on the number 95) that it will "clear up all the confusion." This, in response to consumer complaints that earlier versions of Windows tended to create, rather than eliminate, a lot of confusing life choices and troubling moral dilemmas. Well, I have no problem with that. What I object to is the built-in inability to object—to anything. Luckily, the beta has an "unload" feature. Purchasers of the final release version won't be so fortunate, I understand.

In conclusion.

After so many incarnations, after Cyber World War I® and II®, and the Black Virus®, this century-old technology has finally run its course and outlived its usefulness. I know I speak heresy, and could easily be mistaken for a smart aleck (if old man Gates-Andreessen IV saw this I'd probably be orbiting Mars!), but Windows 95© is an old brain in new clothes, and it's time for a new boss.

the underground
October 13, 2095

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* Remember, a few years back, when they offered us a superficial upgrade for half-price? The "Bargain of the Century" it was called. The smart alecks didn't buy it. The smart alecks said it was a trick, a deception, a power grab. But you didn't listen to the smart alecks—and now all the smart alecks are in jail, orbiting the Moon©, and William Barksdale Gates-Andreessen IV is sitting pretty. (How'd you like to have his moxie when you get to the ripe old age of forty-three?)

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